Skins

Last night i dreamt I went to college with the cast of Skins. We were going on a trip to a petrol factory and we were stood outside next to some big petrol tanker. Cassie was stood behind me giving some lad her number. As she was doing it she said something like "oh I can't believe its taken me so long to give you it", she was writing her number on his hand and went "Oh WOW! You have really nice hands"
Then she walked past me and went "I'll want yours soon too JOHN"
I said "Well give me that pen and i'll write it on your hand"
I started writing on her hand and took the piss out of her by going "Oh WOW! you have really nice hands!" which she appreciated.
I then woke up and realised I'd written half of my old number and half of my new number on her hand, she'll never be able to call me. She's probably stuck in Dreamland now calling an unrecognised number. :(

Some more crime.

I dreamt I robbed the shop near my house at uni which we get beer from. I was with some criminal and we had guns and made the woman behind the counter give us everything from the till. Then Vince McMahon, the WWE owner, came in and said he owned the place, and we were all under arrest. He was quite disappointed in me because he knew I was a good lad, but I kept saying it was stupid of me and I deserved to go back to prison.
Vince took us to a limo, and it happened to be the pink limo out of Shameless. That gay Maguire who owns it in Shameless was there and they all seemed to be having quite a laugh about going back to prison.
Then I ended up at my Nan's and Vince told me that if I gave him £200 he wouldn't send me to prison. I gave him the money and he gave me some chips worth $200 for his casino in Las Vegas, for when I go in September. I thanked him and patted him on the shoulder.

I dreamt I got on a coach to go on a trip to New York. I got off the coach almost straight away though, and decided against it. Ross Kemp dragged me into a room and interrogated me as to why I'd got off the bus, he asked if I knew it was going to crash. I told him I knew nothing about it, but he told me that I worked for him and the government now.
Then me and Ross Kemp saw this coach crash under a bridge. We got on and apparently we had to get my mate Pete's body out so it looked like he wasn't there. Pete was still alive but it looked like everyone else was dead. As we were getting him out, I noticed a girl wake up. Ross Kemp told me I had to kill her and gave me a gun. THEN EVERYONE WOKE UP!
I started shooting people but the bullets weren't coming out that often, it was really difficult. Then some posh guy just got off the coach and met his friends in a pub next to it. Ross Kemp went after him and I decided to leg it and get the London underground back home.

Jean Claude Van Damme

I dreamt I was in bed, then Edna Krabappel from the Simpsons came into my room. She was in human form though. She wanted to dance with me. I danced with her and she kept rubbing herself against me to see if I had an erection. No Edna- DENIED.
Then there was this fitish woman in my room who my Mum had apparently hired to clean the house. I looked out of the window and the street was flooded. It was apparently Xmas Eve and I thought it's a good job we've already done the shopping, otherwise we'd have to swim to the shops or something.
Then I ended up on an Ice Skating rink chasing some woman. I was rubbish though, and kept falling over. Then everyone fucked off the rink, and some bloke in a black suit with a mask came skating on, he was really good. I all of a sudden got really good and everyone was cheering me on to beat bastard features. He overtook me though, then stopped and pointed at me.
I got really mad and went "WHAT? IS THAT MEANT TO SCARE ME?"
I then got a load of plates which were conveniently placed at the side of the rink, and started throwing them at him. His Dad, Jean Claude Van Damme appeared and started throwing them back at me, with his son. Then I had a plate in my hand, and Jean came up to me and told me to smash him round the head with it, I didn't have the bollocks though.

A mental brother.

I dreamt I had a mental little brother who came home after doing a load of drugs. His face was green and he was out of control. I think he was scottish too. He had a massive knife and he wanted to fight me. I told him I didn't want to fight him and he said "Well you can either fight me, or I can stab you in the chest."
I managed to lock him in a room, my parents were there, my Dad was a massive bodybuilder and my Mum was exactly the same. I told my Mum she needed to ring A&E because my brother needed help. She kept ringing loads of hospital's A&E departments but they all said they had waiting lists, the nearest appointment was in 8 weeks and I pointed out we couldn't keep him locked in the room for that long.

8/10

I had a crossbow

I dreamt I was playing football on a massive field for United. I was Cristiano Ronaldo and I was scoring loads and loads of goals because the team we were playing were rubbish. Then the real Ronaldo appeared and he was a bit better than me. The Bolton manager Gary Megson was on the pitch but he was rubbish. Then everyone started getting these crossbows out and shooting each other. I was quite good with the crossbow as well.
Then me and Matt (hello) were in my garage and his crossbow had broken. I told him he had to just throw the spears at the other people instead then. I had a load of bolts and screws to fire from my crossbow. Then as we were walking round the corner from my street, this vicar and a black woman with massive tits came walking towards us. The vicar seemed embarassed by her. Her tits were the biggest in the world though, they just like merged into one big tit it was brilliant. Me and someone else I was with who I can't remember laughed at her as she kept going "ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY TITS?" and then Matt walked past her a bit after as he was behind us, and his face dropped, it was amazing.
I don't remember what happened next, but I ended up in my IT class at high school. I was late so there was no more computers so I sat on the end of a desk. My old teacher Mr Sharples asked me why my face was always so miserable. I told him that's just how it naturally fell. Then he asked me again and I shouted something at him and everyone started laughing. I woke myself up around that point because I couldnt be arsed doing the work in the class.


Weirdness- 7/10

I had a gun.

I dreamt I was in the police and me and 3 officers were going to break into some house where some 14 year olds were making bombs. We burst in and they all shit themselves. My 3 officers had fake guns and held them against these lads against the walls. I had a real gun which was loaded and the guy I arrested was shitting it. Then we sat them round a table and the man in charge of the police gave them, and all of us, a lecture about how you can't go around shagging 14 year olds. They all started laughing and he started smashing the table up, he was really angry. He said that at this party we were all apparently going to, if we shagged a 14 year old we had to tell him exactly what happened and exactly what we touched. He was a bit weird.
Then after that I was going to Maths at high school for the first time in years (this always happens in my dreams). This particular lesson was being held outside. I went to sit in my apparently usual seat but it was taken because I hadn't been to the lesson for years. I decided to sack it off and got my coat off a coat hanger which was conveniently placed in a nearby field and went home.
Then I dreamt I was at Disneyland on a Mission Impossible ride. The ride was rubbish, you were just on some train and you chased another train for ages, then at the end of the ride one of the Royal family fell out of the train you were chasing and congratulated you on saving them. I then bought a packet of Jurrassic Park stickers as a souvenir that's about it.

Weirdness- 6.5/10